Cow Analogies

    Here are a bunch of those cow analogies.  Some of these may be outdated.  They are only here for refferance.  Also if you get offended by some of these anolgies, please concider that a few of them apply to me and that I've tried my best to make sure I'm not targeting just one group.

American Corporate Capitalism: You have two cows. Both cows are bloated with toxic steroids. They are set out to graze on privatized public parks, release massive amounts of flatulence that destroys the ozone layer, die from excess ultraviolet light, and are processed into meat-like products that look great as a result of clever and unprincipled marketing strategies. When you mortgage your artificially devalued farm at high interest rates in order to buy meat, you consume the poisoned material and develop terminal illnesses because there is no health care plan to treat you. The corporate management uses your purchase price to acquire THEIR meat from cows raised "naturally" on tree-free rain forest land outside of the country where labor and resources are cheap.

American Corporation: You have two cows. You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one. You force the 2 cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses. Your stock goes up.

Anarchism: You have two cows. Keep both of the cows, shoot the government agent, and steal another cow.

British Corporation: You have two cows. Both are mad.

Bureaucracy: You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. Then it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.

Californian Corporation: You have a cow and a bull. The bull is depressed. It has spent its life living a lie. It goes away for two weeks. It comes back after a taxpayer-paid sex-change operation. You now have two cows. One makes milk; the other doesn't. You try to sell the transgender cow. Its lawyer sues you for discrimination. You lose in court. You sell the milk-generating cow to pay the damages. You now have one rich, transgender, non-milk-producing cow. You change your business to beef. PETA pickets your farm. Jesse Jackson makes a speech in your driveway. Cruz Bustamante calls for higher farm taxes to help "working cows." Hillary Clinton calls for the nationalization of 1/7 of your farm "for the children." Gray Davis signs a law giving your farm to Mexico. The L.A. Times quotes five anonymous cows claiming you groped their teats. You declare bankruptcy and shut down all operations. The cow starves to death. The L.A. Times' analysis shows your business failure is Bush's fault.

Capitalism: You have two cows. Sell one cow and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the profit.

Chinese Corporation: You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported the numbers.

Democrat: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful. You vote people into office that put a tax on your cows,forcing you to sell one to raise money to pay the tax. The people you voted for then take the tax money, buy a cow and give it to your neighbor. You feel righteous. Barbara Streisand sings for you.

Dictatorship: You have two cows. The government takes both cows and drafts you.

Enron Venture Capitalism: You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to an offshore company secretly owned by the majority stockholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States from Texas, leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet is provided with the release of the annual report. The public buys your bull and you use a small portion of your profits to buy Congress’s support for regulating all transactions involving cows.

Fascism: You have two cows. You give all the milk to the government and the government sells it.

Feudalism: You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.

Florida Corporation: You have a black cow and a brown cow. Everyone votes for the best looking one. Some of the people who like the brown one best, vote for the black one. Some people vote for both. Some people vote for neither. Some people can't figure out how to vote at all. Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which is the best-looking one.

French Corporation: You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows.

German Corporation: You have two cows. You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

Hindu Corporation: You have two cows. You worship them.

Iraqi Corporation: You have two cows. They go into hiding. They send radio tapes of their mooing.

IT (Information Technology) SUPPORT: You have 2 cows. You're paid to build, support, fix, maintain, and show users how to milk the cows. The users rarely listen to your instructions and they break the cows. The manufacturer realizes there are critical flaws in the cows. You upgrade your 2 cows for one new super cow. The users rarely listen to your instructions and they break the cow. The manufacturer realizes there are critical flaws in the cow. You quit and become a sheep herder.

Italian Corporation: You have two cows but you don't know where they are. While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman. You break for lunch. Life is good.

Japanese Corporation: You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create clever cow cartoon images called "Cowkimon" and market them World-Wide.

Native American Corporation: You have two cows. The government takes them and your land. Then you think that they gave the cows back to you but can't tell for sure because you are falling down drunk outside your casino.

Nazism: You have two cows. You give all the milk to the government and the government sells it.

New York Corporation: You have fifteen million cows. You have to choose which one will be the leader of the herd, so you pick some cow from Arkansas.

Olympics-ism: You have two cows, one American, one Chinese. With the help of trilling violins and state of the art montage photography, John Tesh narrates the moving tale of how the American cow overcame the agony of growing up in a suburb with (gasp) divorced parents, then mentions in passing that the Chinese cow was beaten every day by a tyrannical farmer and watched its parents butchered before its eyes. The American cow wins the competition, severely spraining an udder in a gritty performance, and gets a multi-million dollar contract to endorse Wheaties. The Chinese cow is led out of the arena and shot by Chinese government officials, though no one ever hears about it. McDonald's buys the meat and serves it hot and fast at its Beijing restaurant.

Pacifism: You have two cows. You let them stampede you.

Polish Corporation: You have two bulls. Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them.

Pure Communism: You have two cows. Your neighbors help you take care of them and you all share the milk.

Pure Democracy: You have two cows. Your neighbors decide who gets the milk.

Representative Democracy: You have two cows. You have two cows. Your neighbors pick someone to tell you who gets the milk.

Republican: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So?

Russian Communism: You have two cows. Give both cows to the government and they may give you some of the milk.

Russian Corporation: You have two cows. You have some vodka. You count them and learn you have five cows. You have some more vodka. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.

Socialism: You have two cows. Give one cow to your neighbor.

Surrealism: You have two giraffes. The government makes you take harmonica lessons.

Swiss Corporation: You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you. You charge others for storing them.You charge others for storing them.

Taliban Corporation: You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which are two. You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature's private parts. Then you kill them and claim a US bomb blew them up while they were in the hospital.

Totalitarianism: You have two cows. The government takes them and denies they ever existed. Milk is banned.

Welsh Corporation: You have two cows. That one on the left is kinda cute.